It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
