i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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