Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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