Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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