Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
