apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
