i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
