and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
