1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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