i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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