I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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