Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
