I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
