My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
