just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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