he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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