i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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