uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
