I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
