I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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