my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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