wakey wakey hands off snakey
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
