I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
