Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
