there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
