I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He? As in you personified your dick?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
