the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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