i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
