You can't special order awesome
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
