Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
