fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
