even my farts smell like vagina
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
