it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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