dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
