so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
