I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
