guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i drank out of a bidet.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Enjoy the penises
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
