is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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