So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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