in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
