My nipple is on Facebook.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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