I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
