Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
