You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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