I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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