I think I died a long time ago.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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