He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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