Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
