the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
