I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
