That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
