If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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