just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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