SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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