Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
