I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
