She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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