i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
