Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
