Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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