just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
