Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
