I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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