I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
