Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
