Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize