When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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